Shut up!

After raising five children, it’s hard for me to even type those words, much less say them out loud. Telling someone to “Shut up!” was an extreme offense in our family’s younger days. My wife reminds me of the time our pastor said the phrase from the pulpit while quoting someone in a story he was telling. Our children turned to us wide-eyed. “We’ll talk about it later,” she whispered to them.

Even now, the taboo still sticks with me.

While not as rude, there are other words in the English language used to get people to quit talking. “Stop!” we say, or “Be quiet!” “Hush!” “Pipe down!” “That’s enough!” “Shush!” “Shhh!” “Put a sock in it!” or “Talk to the hand!” (remember that one?). The vocabulary may be different, but the gist is the same.

In the church, in ministry, in work, in life, there are those who would tell us to stop talking when our words are inconvenient or troublesome. In my interview with Silas West from a few months ago, he speaks about this silencing of those who report spiritual abuse:

“What I frequently see,” he says, “is a concerted effort to silence the problem in order to get on to business as usual—but the problem that is getting silenced is the victim, not the abuser or the abusive culture.”

All of us long to be heard, but we don’t always want to listen. In the church community we have come up with some words and phrases that we use to keep others quiet. They’re things we should be cautious of when we hear them, and we should be careful when we consider saying them ourselves. Here are a few:

Gossip
This is one that A Life Overseas‘ Jonathan Trotter points out in Serving Well: Help for the Wannabe, Newbie, or Weary Cross-cultural Christian Worker, in the chapter “Four Tools of Spiritual Manipulators.” “Manipulators,” he writes, “will use a w i d e definition of gossip—and apply it liberally” to any kind of “negative talk.” After pointing out the sinfulness of gossip, “they magically remove their own responsibility to deal with the truth.”

“Be aware that despite all the preaching and teaching on gossip, a concrete definition will be absent,” he says.

But what happens when a concrete definition is present? Well, even then it depends on what it is and how it’s used. When you hear someone defining and condemning gossip, ask yourself what their motivation is. Is it correcting detrimental behaviors and guiding others to address problems in a better way? Or is it exerting control, shaping the narrative, and making sure that only those in leadership are allowed to discuss difficult issues? Is it being used by those in power to protect themselves and a broken status quo?

The best definitions I’ve heard of gossip* deal with the attitude and intent of the “gossiper.” I think we should use the same test for the ones applying the label.

Matthew 18
Jesus teaches on a number of topics in the 18th chapter of Matthew, but “Matthew 18” is often shorthand for Jesus’ teaching on how to handle a fellow Christian who has committed a sin. First, Jesus says, go to the person one-on-one. If the person doesn’t listen and repent, take one or two others with you. If that doesn’t work, tell the church.

Finish reading this post at A Life Overseas. . . .

[photo: “shh!” by Ann, used under a Creative Commons license]